finally seeing how I must die...

I hate sitting here, seeing where the line of my Faith ends and my flesh takes over. It is a dark and embarrassing place. I am unfortunately not one of those people who makes minor mistakes, seldom- mine are often and more than not, big. Having to think back and reanalyze them(Recovery), really come to an understanding that I was wrong, might be one of the hardest things I've ever done. When I finally saw that life in the Lord was more gratifying than the life I had established in the world and I had decided to walk away, I almost couldn't come out of my flesh. What I mean is, I was so comfortable in my momentary, quick-fix, "all about me" lifestyle that it was hard to actually change- to admit that I was wrong and get a spiritual/mental make over.

I've said since the day I "came back to Jesus" that I feel like I'm on a road trip. Sometimes I make these meaningless pit stops, like to see the world's largest ball of yarn that I end up going so far off my course. I have felt for awhile like this season in my life is changing, but I haven't figured out what's coming next! I had thought, towards the end of last year, that I new where my final destination was and that I would be getting there soon- but then when this new year rolled around, my car broke down in a desert and I've been stranded there for a few months now.

Deserts are a mystery to me, being from north central Texas. They have always amazed me in that there is still life in such a desolate, dry, and vast place. Being in Recovery has shown me how desolate I feel sometimes, in my Faith. I actually have all of these people who deeply love the Lord around me but because I'm not putting the energy I should towards Him, I feel disconnected in a way. I'm dry because I can't daily put myself aside and see that I NEED to come to Him more than just a few minutes in the morning- that this relationship has to be more. And even though I really do understand that He died for my sins, I am forgiven, my slate is wiped clean- I can't get over that I feel like my sins have created this vast space between me and the Lord. So...I since I have still been so selfish and my life has still been about me, I have a very distinct line drawn in the sand of where my Father is in control and my flesh battles for it.

Today, I started out walking with the Lord. I confessed some sin that I had been holding onto for awhile now and as a result, had some very sweet time with Him this morning before church. Then during the worship set at the 11 all of the emotions of the understanding that Grace has made me whole despite my flesh, flooded over me. Then, I was asked by a friend to do a simple favor for him and somehow my flesh won back over control. Thankfully I was actually aware of it and I have a sweet friend who can talk sense into me and I was reminded of grace. Grace- the thing that only 20 mins prior had almost brought me to my knees in gratitude and amazement. My inheriant nature to cast judgement poured, no really more or less gushed, from my mouth.

Myself must die.
I cannot have this line in the sand any longer. While I have really "good" days of letting all control go and giving it to Him, I still have the "bad" ones too. I want days that so clearly point to leaving who I am at the Cross and walking under His blood, throughout my day.
I must die.