366 days with the Chandler family; a reflection & Thank You.

I pulled out my journal from 1 year ago today...

"My life has drastically changed. Their lives have changed. I already can't define 'normal' anymore...this is so huge, affecting so many people. I don't know why or understand how I got a 'role' in this. What do I have to offer that will benefit them or bring you Glory? I'm not wise enough or grounded in your Word enough...there are better, more qualified people than me. I'm not going to do this right. I'm not going to be good enough on my own.

These pictures of Matt everywhere make me cry."

When I first read through this paragraph I thought 'how depressing'; but then, after reading it again, I saw how broken I was. Even in day 2 of my new role, I was being broken- He had torn down any futile stronghold I could have held to, outside of Him.
This past year has been the most sobering year of my life. I was fully awoken to the obvious truth that my days are numbered & that I am in desperate need of Him. I need His strength, His eyes, His words, His ears, His discernment...I need every part of Him to be in every part of me. I'm not saying this wasn't a reality for me or that I had no concept of this, but I had nothing to make these 2 truths resonate within me. They were more or less, intellectual facts rolling around in my head. For some reason, they had yet to penetrate my heart.

I look back at Winter & think, 'quiet.'
I was quiet. Days were quiet. He was quiet.
Do you know what was not quiet? People. People were loud & nosey & were everywhere. I kept thinking, during that season, that He was quiet with me; that He wasn't talking to me. How short-sighted was I? He was loud & clear & could be seen in His people. His people were loud & nosey & were everywhere. There were obvious people who were stretching out their arms & speaking encouragement into me. People that I know love me & are out for my good(My parents, brother, & grandparents. Ryan & Em, I would've been lost without you. Sarah, Les & Jenn- I couldn't ask for better best friends. Aina & Caleb, Lindey & Ryan-thank you for sweet friendship & gentle leadership. Carri, Kristyn, Bark(& Mark), Nat, Sarah, Heather, Maury, Faith, Amy- thanks for reaching out to me as well as you did/do LC. Chris & Heather C- thank you again). Random people would walk up to me & tell me they were praying for me. People I did not know were lifting me up, alongside the Chandlers. Most nights, I would sit by the fireplace & open letter after letter, after postcard, after box, after letter- all overflowing with compassion & Truth through committed prayers. It was (& still is) overwhelming. Moving into Spring, as Matt says, the "new normal" was settling in more & more. I think "tired" when I look back to that season. Summer came & it was "busy," I literally didn't stay at the house for the entire month of July(give or take a few days). Then Fall was "easy," in comparison to the rest of the year. 14 days without Matt & LC were all that put any weight on Fall.

This past year, the Lord has graciously answered my begging prayers for a group of friends. I love my community in Flower Mound(Hannah, Bex, & Tiana- thank you for faithful friendship), but I wanted a group. People that don't have kids, that are in my life-stage & aren't married...that would laugh with me, cry with me, love on me, allow me to love on them. A group of friends that love the Lord at their core. Thank you Les, Cari, Tate, Ryan, Janna, Melissa, Nathan, Kendall & Julian- your friendship is a reflection & reminder of His grace in my life..."of you!" He has even more graciously expanded those friendships, adding in more incredible people(Roy & Casey-you push me to the Lord, thank you!); even allowing me the opportunity to walk out in leadership with a few of those new friends(Ash, Sam & Brittany- this has been so humbling & stretching...know how loved you are!).

I've learned over & over this year that I am nothing outside of Him...& praise God, because I am worthless on my own. He has taken me through seasons where all I could do was sit in my fears; pointing me to my need of prayer & how lacking & selfish I was with them. He has shown me my need of Scripture planted & rooted deep in my heart. He placed in me a passion to walk deeply with others; teaching me to be transparent & allowed me to confess secret sins.
He has been overwhelmingly Good.

Psalm 117
Praise the Lord, all nations!
Extol him, all peoples!
For great is his steadfast love toward us,
and the faithfulness of the Lord
endures forever.
Praise the Lord!

There are a number of other people who have invested in my life this past year & who mean a great deal to me...thank you for reaching out & being faithful in encouraging me. I have gained more of Him through this year & I'm hopeful that more of "me" has been snuffed out, allowing room for His glory to be seen.
"I'll sing forever; Hallelujah, Hallelujah Praise the Lord!"