"A" is for "Antisocial"

Paul David Tripp said that "sin in it's fundamental form is 'antisocial' " & I sadly can give physical examples to back up this statement...I mean...I'm not going to describe those closed off seasons where behaviorally I was antisocial in nature during this post, but that's because I think this statement also fits something else...

Worship.

When I am sinning, every aspect of my worship is diminished.

Worship in song is, more often than not, my souls heartbeat. I love beautiful voices & tones, acoustic sounds, piano, jazzy melodies, violin/cello, hip hop beats, gospel choirs(actually choirs of any kind), country twang, the curious feel of alternative, bass that reverberates thru/around me, multiple part harmonies, melancholy ballads, the harsh beats of rock, & even a soulful rift or two; but none of that matters when I'm walking in sin. I still love all of those things but I can never find the "right" song or station to listen too. This is normally my first 'tell' in the progression of acknowledging my sins. I'll realize one day while driving around, frustrated with myself for not being able to just pick what music I want; or I will not want to listen to 'worship' music of any kind.

My worship through song is made 'antisocial' because of my sin.

The Lord wired me in such a way that this is an effective punishment. It is a weighty thing for me to not find joy in singing but instead feel like I'm just moving my jaw up & down. I feel melancholy when the joy I find in serving is replaced with aimless action. Even the smallest of sins creates an antisocial nature in my worship; how I hate my sin.

Psalm 66:1-2
"Shout for joy to God, all the earth! Sing the glory of his name; make his praise glorious."

In thinking about how sin is antisocial in nature, how my sin causes all areas of my life to be antisocial in someway, that I am supposed to Psalm 66:1-2, & that all of this has the resonating truth of the Gospel in the foreground- I can't stop singing the chorus of The Stand..."So I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned in awe of the One who gave it all...So I'll stand my soul Lord to You surrendered all I am is Yours!"

grateful heart + empty/quiet/soft-lit room + headphones blaring =

unashamed, abandoned, uninhibited worship

"So I'll stand

With arms high and heart abandoned

In awe of the One who gave it all

So I'll stand

My soul Lord to You surrendered

All I am is Yours!"

**DISCLAIMER**

I KNOW, BELIEVE, & UNDERSTAND THAT WORSHIP IS NOT JUST SINGING.

I, FOR THIS POST, FELT IT NECESSARY TO POINT OUT &

HIGHLIGHT THAT EXTENSION OF WORSHIP IN MY LIFE,

WHEN & HOW IT IS AFFECTED BY MY SIN.

366 days with the Chandler family; a reflection & Thank You.

I pulled out my journal from 1 year ago today...

"My life has drastically changed. Their lives have changed. I already can't define 'normal' anymore...this is so huge, affecting so many people. I don't know why or understand how I got a 'role' in this. What do I have to offer that will benefit them or bring you Glory? I'm not wise enough or grounded in your Word enough...there are better, more qualified people than me. I'm not going to do this right. I'm not going to be good enough on my own.

These pictures of Matt everywhere make me cry."

When I first read through this paragraph I thought 'how depressing'; but then, after reading it again, I saw how broken I was. Even in day 2 of my new role, I was being broken- He had torn down any futile stronghold I could have held to, outside of Him.
This past year has been the most sobering year of my life. I was fully awoken to the obvious truth that my days are numbered & that I am in desperate need of Him. I need His strength, His eyes, His words, His ears, His discernment...I need every part of Him to be in every part of me. I'm not saying this wasn't a reality for me or that I had no concept of this, but I had nothing to make these 2 truths resonate within me. They were more or less, intellectual facts rolling around in my head. For some reason, they had yet to penetrate my heart.

I look back at Winter & think, 'quiet.'
I was quiet. Days were quiet. He was quiet.
Do you know what was not quiet? People. People were loud & nosey & were everywhere. I kept thinking, during that season, that He was quiet with me; that He wasn't talking to me. How short-sighted was I? He was loud & clear & could be seen in His people. His people were loud & nosey & were everywhere. There were obvious people who were stretching out their arms & speaking encouragement into me. People that I know love me & are out for my good(My parents, brother, & grandparents. Ryan & Em, I would've been lost without you. Sarah, Les & Jenn- I couldn't ask for better best friends. Aina & Caleb, Lindey & Ryan-thank you for sweet friendship & gentle leadership. Carri, Kristyn, Bark(& Mark), Nat, Sarah, Heather, Maury, Faith, Amy- thanks for reaching out to me as well as you did/do LC. Chris & Heather C- thank you again). Random people would walk up to me & tell me they were praying for me. People I did not know were lifting me up, alongside the Chandlers. Most nights, I would sit by the fireplace & open letter after letter, after postcard, after box, after letter- all overflowing with compassion & Truth through committed prayers. It was (& still is) overwhelming. Moving into Spring, as Matt says, the "new normal" was settling in more & more. I think "tired" when I look back to that season. Summer came & it was "busy," I literally didn't stay at the house for the entire month of July(give or take a few days). Then Fall was "easy," in comparison to the rest of the year. 14 days without Matt & LC were all that put any weight on Fall.

This past year, the Lord has graciously answered my begging prayers for a group of friends. I love my community in Flower Mound(Hannah, Bex, & Tiana- thank you for faithful friendship), but I wanted a group. People that don't have kids, that are in my life-stage & aren't married...that would laugh with me, cry with me, love on me, allow me to love on them. A group of friends that love the Lord at their core. Thank you Les, Cari, Tate, Ryan, Janna, Melissa, Nathan, Kendall & Julian- your friendship is a reflection & reminder of His grace in my life..."of you!" He has even more graciously expanded those friendships, adding in more incredible people(Roy & Casey-you push me to the Lord, thank you!); even allowing me the opportunity to walk out in leadership with a few of those new friends(Ash, Sam & Brittany- this has been so humbling & stretching...know how loved you are!).

I've learned over & over this year that I am nothing outside of Him...& praise God, because I am worthless on my own. He has taken me through seasons where all I could do was sit in my fears; pointing me to my need of prayer & how lacking & selfish I was with them. He has shown me my need of Scripture planted & rooted deep in my heart. He placed in me a passion to walk deeply with others; teaching me to be transparent & allowed me to confess secret sins.
He has been overwhelmingly Good.

Psalm 117
Praise the Lord, all nations!
Extol him, all peoples!
For great is his steadfast love toward us,
and the faithfulness of the Lord
endures forever.
Praise the Lord!

There are a number of other people who have invested in my life this past year & who mean a great deal to me...thank you for reaching out & being faithful in encouraging me. I have gained more of Him through this year & I'm hopeful that more of "me" has been snuffed out, allowing room for His glory to be seen.
"I'll sing forever; Hallelujah, Hallelujah Praise the Lord!"

I'm not packing, I'm preparing...

Matt & LC leave tomorrow for 12 days in Africa- could I bother you for prayer?
This will be the longest I have had all there kids since surgery last November. I do have some incredible help set up and in place, but the full 12 days will be spent with babies!

Specific requests:
1. For patience and stamina, for all 4 of us.
2. For great attitudes, for all 4 of us.
3. For perfect health- sick babies want Mommy, not Stephie!
4. Ability to love well- when kids are cranky, missing Matt & LC, tired, annoying, misbehaving, etc...
5. Persistence to make time to be in the Word- not be lazy because it's easy in the moment, because it is never easy later!
6. Wise choices in activities- things that serve babies well, not me.
7. Productive nap times- Norah sometimes refuses a nap when tired and Reid never responds well when he's in need of 1
8. Peaceful, rejuvenating, & long nights sleep- for all 4 of us.
9. Wise choices in asking for help- not just doing everything, allowing people to help me when I need it.
10. Lots of fun to be had by all & sweet memories made.

For Audrey-
1. That although she will miss Matt & LC, she doesn't use this as a form of manipulation in her attitude or towards me/grandparents. (she historically tries to milk that for all it's worth)
2. That she is respectful of me, grandparents, teachers, people that are helping me out, Reid & Norah, & her friends.
3. That she is helpful with Reid & Norah, setting an example for Reid.

For Reid-
1. That he feels 100% the whole 12 days & doesn't relapse back to the fever he's had this week.
2. That he's his sweet, helpful self.
3. That he sleeps well & has no bad dreams.

For Norah-
1. That she sleeps well every night/nap
2. That she has no major firsts while it's just me ;-)
3. That she doesn't break/bust anything while "walking" all over the place...she's unstable & wobbles everywhere :-)

I have a full schedule planned- I think keeping busy will make the time without Matt & LC go quicker. I've planned fun outings & sleepovers & we have normal/weekly activities built in also.

My most earnest request is the Gospel will be furthered through Matt & LC's time in Sudan.
If you join me in praying but for only 1 thing- plead that Christ be glorified through all 12 days, regardless of continent.

Redeeming Love...the not-so love story edition

Sometimes I get slapped in the face by the terrible, mundane, normal, hopeless life Christ saved me from.

I've been slapped twice in the past 2 days.

I may be stubborn enough to not stop after the first slap & examine my heart & my situation to see what caused it...but I am not dumb enough to go for a third round...so here are some thoughts on my findings after careful examination:

I have a story that points to nothing but Christ's sovereign redemption. (Well it points to everything Christ, but if you just hear it...you think most about His sovereign redemption...)
3 Examples:

Enslaved: I rushed in a secular sorority & learned really quickly how to run wild with my worldly desires. I was learning from the best. Girls that were broken & sad- all filling their empty lives with deep & terrible lies. Alcohol, drugs, sex, boys, friends...any of those that would help "fix" them.
Redeemed: This very same sorority, that was used to bring me to the darkest & most depraved areas of sin, was where I broke under all the weight. This same sorority had a sweet sister that knew & loved the Lord deeply, constantly speaking/showing Truth to each of us. The Spirit used this sorority sister to help in finally bringing me to Him.
(let me also give credit to another friend & my Godly family)

Enslaved: I lied for a semester about going & being involved at The Village. My roommate was what I turned around & told my parents I was...I had never actually stepped foot in the door.
Redeemed: I shamefully excepted an invite to visit TVC, from a new friend at my new school.(transferred after coming to Christ) Two weekends later I was asked to host the homegroup on campus, in my apartment. The next month I was signed up for CMC. The next semester I was volunteering weekly in the office. The next summer I was moving up to Lewisville to be in community at the HV campus...& it keeps going...

Enslaved: During my darkest, most deceitful, times before coming to Christ. I was trying to make my parents happy & keep face with the whole "good lil Christian" front I had so easily perfected. I finally decided I would go to this little church where no one would really know me & I would never have to really reveal anything about myself. I started going to Grace Temple Baptist Church in Denton Tx.
Redeemed: My first weekend at TVC- I heard announcements about the new campus...shortly after TVC Denton launched in that little church that meant nothing but deceit for me. Even now, Christ continues to reveal His redemption in the situation by surrounding me with incredible friends from that campus...all who are pouring life into me & challenging me...not just letting me sit in the back & use it as a "cover".

I see a theme...

Enslaved: lying...deceit...
Redeemed: Christ love through sovereign circumstance

In Ephesians, Paul opens his letter with a blessing that sets up the two main themes; Christ reconciled all of creation & united the church to Himself. In 1:3-14, he says:

"3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, 4 even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love 5 he predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, 6 to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved. 7 In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, 8 which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight 9 making known to us the mystery of his will, according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ 10 as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth.
11 In him we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of his will, 12 so that we who were the first to hope in Christ might be to the praise of his glory. 13 In him you also, when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation, and believed in him, were sealed with the promised Holy Spirit, 14 who is the guarantee of our inheritance until we acquire possession of it, to the praise of his glory."

In the original Greek, this was one, long sentence. "Paul shows that the triune God initiated & accomplished cosmic reconciliation & redemption for the praise of His glory."(ESV Study Bible) Then in verse seven you see the word "redemption".
I love this word. (so much so, I sport it year round through some permanent ink)
Easton's 1897 Bible Dictionary says; "the purchase back of something that had been lost, by the payment of a ransom. A word occurring nine times in Scripture, and always with the idea of a ransom or price paid..."
ESV Study Bible says; "redemption denotes ransoming someone from captivity or from slavery."

I was chosen & redeemed from the slavery of sin, through the Cross. Each of my examples I was enslaved to some form of sin & later redeemed by some form of God's immense grace...normally through what I refer to as 'sovereign circumstance.'

What a story of redemption...
What a story of love...
What a story I am unworthy to be apart of...
What a story I am grateful is nonfiction...
What a redeeming love.

Even the sparrow finds a home...& no- not just the one on my foot...

My God is sovereign.
This is a simple but mind-blowing Truth for my sinful mind & heart. If you are allowed a favorite trait about Him- this would be mine...but on the flip side- it would also be the one I struggle most with...

I don't have family here, in the Flower Mound area, only good friends that are family because of community at the Village. Last October, I didn't know where I was going to live. I was quickly having to find a new place & I had sort of given up- thinking I was going to have to move back home with my parents. They live south of the metroplex by about 40 mins, so I thought being apart of the Village was coming to an end. I didn't feel the Lord was changing the apparent heart He had given me for serving the families of the HV/FloMo campus, but I didn't trust He had anything planned & I was going to have to move 'home.'

I packed up & headed down to my grandparents farm for Thanksgiving, almost defeated because I didn't want to leave. I remember sitting in the passenger seat of my brothers truck that Monday morning, driving up 19- wondering why He had given me such a passion to love the families around me, if He was just going to make me leave them...then I hear the somewhat annoying tri-tone alert on my phone & look down...LC had texted me. She asked if I wanted to live in a playroom again & if I had a twin size bed. I responded yes, no, & why, then waited... finally- she replied that she & Matt were talking about me moving in with them.

Relief & guilt was all I felt.

Relief- He knew something would present itself.
Guilt - He knew something would present itself.

How badly I had failed in opening my hand fully & allowing His provision & will to lead me. How quickly I had given up on things working out the way I wanted them to...I- ME- MY will was what I was seeking. Only more does this reveal my wickedness...

...3 days later I find out Matt had a seizure, then less than a week they find out it means surgery, then less than 2 weeks I have the kids & we're impatiently waiting to hear updates on the surgery, then we're impatiently waiting for LC & Matt to come home, then we're prayerfully waiting for the diagnosis to be revealed, & even now waiting for treatment to be over & praying for cancer to be gone.

I am impatient. I want things done quickly. I want the Lord to answer things on my time, in my way. I don't stop to think that the situation or answer is only a small piece to His vast plan. I defeatedly, on my own, said I would have to leave- move 'home.' How silly am I to not allow room for Him to move & work in His own way.

He has shown me so much through that area of sin in my life.

He knew my place was with Matt & LC...He knew they were going to ask me to live with them...He knew I was going to have to find a new place to live...He knew Matt had rogue cells, ready to attack...He knew...He is sovereign.


My Soul Longs for the Courts of the Lord
84
1 How lovely is your dwelling place,
O Lord of hosts!
2 My soul longs, yes, faints
for the courts of the Lord;
my heart and flesh sing for joy
to the living God.
3 Even the sparrow finds a home,
and the swallow a nest for herself,
where she may lay her young,
at your altars, O Lord of hosts,
my King and my God.
4 Blessed are those who dwell in your house,
ever singing your praise! Selah

This Psalm celebrates worshipping in the Temple. "The purpose of singing this psalm is to cultivate that delight, to open the eyes and hearts of God's people to the staggering privilege of being a welcome guest in God's own house, and to write deep into their soul the conviction that wickedness offers no reward that can even remotely compare to the joy and pleasure of God's house."(ESV Study Bible) "Even the sparrow finds a home..." God's house is welcoming. When you long to worship, you have a place there.

This scripture was beautiful & true for me in that season after seeing His provision in my living arrangements. Even in His house of worship- a place for me may be found. No, Matt & LC's house isn't the temple of Jerusalem, but I found there was a place for me. He knew I needed it & He provided.

"Even the sparrow finds a home..."

finally seeing how I must die...

I hate sitting here, seeing where the line of my Faith ends and my flesh takes over. It is a dark and embarrassing place. I am unfortunately not one of those people who makes minor mistakes, seldom- mine are often and more than not, big. Having to think back and reanalyze them(Recovery), really come to an understanding that I was wrong, might be one of the hardest things I've ever done. When I finally saw that life in the Lord was more gratifying than the life I had established in the world and I had decided to walk away, I almost couldn't come out of my flesh. What I mean is, I was so comfortable in my momentary, quick-fix, "all about me" lifestyle that it was hard to actually change- to admit that I was wrong and get a spiritual/mental make over.

I've said since the day I "came back to Jesus" that I feel like I'm on a road trip. Sometimes I make these meaningless pit stops, like to see the world's largest ball of yarn that I end up going so far off my course. I have felt for awhile like this season in my life is changing, but I haven't figured out what's coming next! I had thought, towards the end of last year, that I new where my final destination was and that I would be getting there soon- but then when this new year rolled around, my car broke down in a desert and I've been stranded there for a few months now.

Deserts are a mystery to me, being from north central Texas. They have always amazed me in that there is still life in such a desolate, dry, and vast place. Being in Recovery has shown me how desolate I feel sometimes, in my Faith. I actually have all of these people who deeply love the Lord around me but because I'm not putting the energy I should towards Him, I feel disconnected in a way. I'm dry because I can't daily put myself aside and see that I NEED to come to Him more than just a few minutes in the morning- that this relationship has to be more. And even though I really do understand that He died for my sins, I am forgiven, my slate is wiped clean- I can't get over that I feel like my sins have created this vast space between me and the Lord. So...I since I have still been so selfish and my life has still been about me, I have a very distinct line drawn in the sand of where my Father is in control and my flesh battles for it.

Today, I started out walking with the Lord. I confessed some sin that I had been holding onto for awhile now and as a result, had some very sweet time with Him this morning before church. Then during the worship set at the 11 all of the emotions of the understanding that Grace has made me whole despite my flesh, flooded over me. Then, I was asked by a friend to do a simple favor for him and somehow my flesh won back over control. Thankfully I was actually aware of it and I have a sweet friend who can talk sense into me and I was reminded of grace. Grace- the thing that only 20 mins prior had almost brought me to my knees in gratitude and amazement. My inheriant nature to cast judgement poured, no really more or less gushed, from my mouth.

Myself must die.
I cannot have this line in the sand any longer. While I have really "good" days of letting all control go and giving it to Him, I still have the "bad" ones too. I want days that so clearly point to leaving who I am at the Cross and walking under His blood, throughout my day.
I must die.